aerokiko

I FUCKING HATE FACEBOOK SOMETIMES.
Unsubscribing is sometimes just not enough for me and I have to defriend people I don't want to.
Fucking social networking - I wish I was born in my parent's generation.

This guy...he's so perfect and there's nothing wrong with him...but I'm scared to fall in love again.
Because all of the times that I've fallen in love, I've eventually gotten hurt in one way or another.

Scarred...and scared...for life?

I'm so scared that I am never going to be attracted to anyone ever again.
I don't want to die alone.

This sounds silly, but I'm legit worried.

An awesome year end review and a raise...well at least one thing is going well in my life!

There are so many social networking sites out there (which, I love, don't get me wrong...I'm def a fb whore), but they're all connected and interlinked with each other and every person that I've crossed paths with in my life is on them and I have no where to vent.

Yes, obviously, if I have stuff that I don't want people to read, I can just keep it to myself and write it in my written diary. But you know that feeling of...wanting to share something with people, but not the world...and you want some people to hear you, but certain people to not hear you? It's selfish lol but I get that feeling a lot.

And I've found that livejournal is probably the best place to go for it, considering I probably only have about 5 readers or less. I'd actually prefer if people that I didn't know personally read my livejournal. But anyway...that's besides my point.

So my life sucks right now.
I know, I have a job and loving family and friends, and things could be worse, but I just feel like shit.
I came back from Japan last week, and being surrounded by loving, caring, family and friends for 10 days...and then coming back here just made it kind of worse. I had a terrible end of 2011, and I always say things happen for a reason, but I had never been hurt so much in my life, that it actually made me regret certain decisions I made last year. I'm never the one to regret, and I feel like we can always learn from our past "mistakes", but this one just hit me too hard, and it scarred me. I just hope it didn't scar me for life.
I didn't eat for weeks and lost a lot of weight.
I skipped multiple periods cause my body was so out of wack mentally and physically - this never happens to me. No matter what shitty situation I'm in, I always remember to eat and keep healthy and just somehow get over it.
It didn't exactly happen that way this time.
I was 27 and felt so lost and miserable and I didn't know how to deal with it.
I'd like to think that by now, I know how to deal with certain situations and I've become a strong independent woman.
So for something to smack me that hard in the face, it meant a lot...and for me to not know how to get over it, I felt so lost and just not myself - I felt weak and felt like there was nothing I could do about it.

I was drained. I had never experienced anything like that in my life.
I'd sit and stare at the walls...I'd occasionally drink water, because I didn't want to dehydrate or anything...but that was about it. I'd sleep hours and hours a day...because being awake was just too painful.

And so, I felt like my visit back home to see my fam and friends would be refreshing and reassuring.
Which is was...but now I just feel empty. I know I have plenty of friends here that care about me, but I have no family here.
Not a single sole. Especially being so close to my family, it's really hard to be physically so far from them.
Yes...I'm just whining...I know some people don't even have family that they can miss and love.
I know I'm blessed.
I know I to suck it up, and just move on.

I've healed a lot from my recent wounds, but there's not a day when I don't think about what happened.
It crosses my mind constantly - and I obviously won't go into detail about it, because it still hurts.

I want to tell myself that there are bigger and better things coming my way.
I want to take the words of encouragement from my friends and family and truly believe in them.

But as of right now, I'm having a really hard time.
I hope...I pray...that I get better soon. I can't sit here and waste my time thinking about the past.

I have to work for the future and work for my own happiness. It's not going to fall into my lap. Sometimes you have to chase.

I think that'll be my goal for 2012 - to chase. CHASE.
I'm not going to reread this and edit anything. It's 2:44am and I have work tomorrow. This 3 day weekend just messed up my already fucked up sleep schedule because of my jet lag.

High hopes. I need to keep my head up.

dude, it's not always about you.

me me me me me
....and you expect people to be like 'wow you're such a nice person' when you do something for someone else?

why don't you do more of that and less talking about yourself.

See how the world looks then.

So ever since they started blocking live journal and pretty much everything else on the internet at work, I haven't updated much.

I look at my previous few entries and just laugh.
I don't know why I was dwelling over something for so long for no reason.

Everything happens for a reason, and the other things that don't happen...well, they don't happen for a reason. It's just so hard to accept that when there are emotions involved and you think you really like someone.
I am just amazed at how you can mind wash yourself so easily in thinking that something could have worked out perfectly, and to think you could have potentially ruined it. I don't think there is such a thing...even if there was, you've ruined it for a reason and it was bound to happen one way or another.

I've got so much more going on for me, and I just need to remember that. I can't let something so little and silly and stupid let me down like that.
Whatever, I've learned my lesson, and enjoying the hell out of my single life right now. Never sell yourself short and fate will take you to the right places and the right people.

Mother's day today...and I miss my mommy.
Even these silly commercial holidays get to me. Everywhere I go, everything I hear and see must remind me of how far away I am from my family. I guess you can't have everything, rt?

I think?

ugh.

I keep thinking of these excuses...

goddamit...I know that's not going to get me anywhere.

my mom and dad.