aerokiko

So ever since they started blocking live journal and pretty much everything else on the internet at work, I haven't updated much.

I look at my previous few entries and just laugh.
I don't know why I was dwelling over something for so long for no reason.

Everything happens for a reason, and the other things that don't happen...well, they don't happen for a reason. It's just so hard to accept that when there are emotions involved and you think you really like someone.
I am just amazed at how you can mind wash yourself so easily in thinking that something could have worked out perfectly, and to think you could have potentially ruined it. I don't think there is such a thing...even if there was, you've ruined it for a reason and it was bound to happen one way or another.

I've got so much more going on for me, and I just need to remember that. I can't let something so little and silly and stupid let me down like that.
Whatever, I've learned my lesson, and enjoying the hell out of my single life right now. Never sell yourself short and fate will take you to the right places and the right people.

Mother's day today...and I miss my mommy.
Even these silly commercial holidays get to me. Everywhere I go, everything I hear and see must remind me of how far away I am from my family. I guess you can't have everything, rt?

I think?

ugh.

I keep thinking of these excuses...

goddamit...I know that's not going to get me anywhere.

my mom and dad.

stop coming baaaaack! no, don't stop lol

You just make it so hard for me to dislike you. I can't think of a single reason. Gosh, just do something already that is going to make me not be as obsessed about you anymore! please!

whatever, it's Friday and I'm happy!

had the weirdest dream EVER last night...I think I was back in Japan and I had to move out of my apartment that week, but I guess I procrastinated too long and had to move my flight and my moving date out by a week. I was going insane because my land lord wouldn't let me push it back, and I had no idea what to do because I had all of this stuff in my apartment that I needed to get rid of in a matter of like 2, 3 days.

I have no idea what the dream meant, but I think it's because right before I went to sleep I was talking to a friend telling him how I do miss Tokyo a lot and I even consider moving back sometimes (not really, but just sort of wanted to scare him lol). So I guess the thought of that just sort of lingered in my brain somehow...although I wasn't really thinking about moving back to Japan.

But gosh, it was the freakiest dream ever. I can't even really recall what country I was in, I just know I needed to move out and was really pressed for time, and when I woke up I was all sweaty and nervous and had no idea where I was.

And then I thought about how I was able to pack all of my bags and move out of my apartment in Tokyo within a months time, and all of the sudden got really proud of myself lol

I hope things work out...but I may need to slowly drift apart.
I don't think we're at the same stages in life. It's too bad cause I really like you.

chill the fuck out.

let it be.

if it's meant to be, the wait will be all worthwhile, and I have very strong feelings that this is totally worth waiting for.

relax.

enjoy it.

nothing good comes easy.

I don't get it.

stress hives...!

ugh.

gosh I just want a vacation.

I can't emphasize enough about how much I love my workplace!
They got me cupcakes for my birthday :D



such an awesome bunch of ppl to work with...I am so greatful.

High hopes for where 2009 will take me at work and personally. I have a good feeling about next year ;) oh, hope I didn't jinx it.

so a 3 yr relationship ended w/a 5 min international phone call.

he was high @ 11AM in the morning...
like, wtf - get your shit together, you're not in college anymore!

so.glad.this.is.done

I shuold have done this before I moved here, but well...now I know for sure that this wasn't working out, and I feel refreshed. I'm satisfied with what happened.
I'm not even sad about it yet - which bugs me a little. I still do love the boy to death, but relationships are all just about timing and what stage you both are in life. We liked each other, but he was clearly not at the same stage I am at right now, and it doesn't help that we're on two totally different continents with a 14 hr time difference.

This sounds so bad cause there actually was a overlap, but I've found someone that makes me smile. Makes me feel special, and will flat out say to me that he will spoil me and can make me happy. I think he has the kind of confidence that I was looking for in a bf. My ex would often tell me that I could do better and should find somene else. I need someone that will tell me to my face that they need me and I can make them a better person. My ex did the exact opposite and when he sent that closure e-mail to me, I thought it was so wrong that he was like, you brought out the worst in me, and I thank you for making me realize how messed up I was.
What was I, your therapist?
Yeah, it's important to know both of our strengths and weaknesses, but it's actually pretty hard to get that good balance and have a healty relationship.

This is probably going to be my last entry for 2008.
2008, the year of the rat - the year I was born.
SO much happened this year, I cannot even begin to explain how much of an emotional rollercoaster it was.
Breaking up with the boy for 3 months, living apart from him, him graduating college which changed a lot of things, first DJ gig in Roppongi, major organizational changes at work, my old bookstore closing, cousin's wife passing away, experiencing blacking out from having 10 shots in a row on an empty stomach, my first gabling experience in AC lol, DJ Nori-chan, becoming really good friends w/Toyokura-san from work - she means so much to me/the sister I never had, reuniting with a lot of old peeps, my old boss Shawn relocating to HK which lead me to move back here.

SO many changes, which all lead to good and bad things.
My motto for the year was, "better to regret doing something than regret not doing it". I want to make that my motto for life actually, but deep down inside I'm usually too chicken to change something on my own and to like make the initial move.

2009 will be a very different year for me...

whatever happens, happens :P

I don't feel guilty yet.

I really really wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Do I not have a heart? Do I not care?

w.t.f.

when you think you've started to fall for someone even though you have a bf.

a bf on the other side of the world that won't reach out to you.

...just cause he's like that. I know it was going to be like this because that's just his personality. It's not that he doesn't miss me or he doesn't want to talk to me, he just sux at keeping in touch. It's always me sending the e-mails out and reaching out to him.

I'm not vulnerable yet, but I'm mad lonely. duh, who wouldn't be after living w/your significant other for th epast 2.5 yrs. I've promised myself to stop crying out it...but I think being too open to ppl (expecially of the opposite sex) is not doing me any good - guys will take advantage of this.

But what if it's a guy you would actually consider.

oh wow, I did not just say that on the world wide web.
wtf, no one reads this...no, ppl actually do read this, but I guess only my really close friends that are allowed to have this information.

whatever, I'm just torn inside as to what to do.
I need to stop going to my friends for advice cause everyone's got a different opinion and it's just confusing me.

I need time to think, and sort things out.

fucking holiday season...!
...but at least it's a Friday :P

I honestly don't feel like myself lately, especially when I'm out.

what is this

so where do I even start...

It's been 1 month + 1 week since I got here, and exactly 1 month since I started work.
Lemme just say that it has been one emotional roller coaster.
Getting used to the new apartment, making new friends, getting used to the environment at work and just learning new stuff...and just getting settled in.
I know I'm here because I wanted change, but this was one drastic change - this will definately be a big turning point in my life no matter how this turns out.

First off, I love my parents to death - if it weren't for them (they came with me for my first week to help me settle in), I would not have gotten the place all up and ready to go within that first week. We went shopping everyday for furniture and just household goods, we'd come home, my dad would build things, and my mom would go crazy cleaning. They even practiced commuting into the city with me lol I am so spoiled and love every bit of it :)
And I haven't like "lived" with them really for 6 or so years now so it was great to spend quality time with them like that...God knows when the next time that is gonna happen. So I got super depressed when they went home, but I didn't even have time to think about it cause I started work right away.

I have no complaints about work or the workplace. It's smack in the middle of Times Square, and really exciting. Job wise, I am enjoying it A LOT more than Tokyo...Tokyo just got really disfunctional after all of the managers started leaving and relocating.
So I have 3 big bosses here, and do their calendar scheduling and business trip arrangements. The team consists of about 30 people and they are all great...the energy and vibe, it's so NY and American and very comforting and definately what I was looking forward to.
Not to mention that I still work in the same division and group, so a lot of the stuff that I do is not new to me, and the lingo and terminology that I hear everyday is very familiar, so it's not everwhelming at all.

As for personal...I guess you could say I'm a mess lol
I miss the boy a shitload, but what the hell am I gonna do about it rt? so I've stopped crying over it, cause it's rather useless dwelling over something like that. I just need to suck it up because it was my decision to come over here. I am a firm believer in fate and if we're meant to be, it'll work out. It's just so hard constantly think positive. Especially when you have a boy that doesn't have a PC, and can go a week, make that two weeks, w/o a working cell phone. Ugh...the things I'd do to make him technically proficient...!

But you know what really woke me up today? That e-mail from my mom about my cousisn's wife passing away yesterday.
She was fighting lukemia for about 2 yrs, and recently they had to move her to the ICU...which was obviously not good news.
But if you knew this girl (I think she was 30), you would never even think she would be diagnosed with a disease like lukemia. Young, healthy, energetic, outgoing, and always had such a positive outlook on life. I really looked up to her...she had her whole life ahead of her, and it just doesn't make any sense...things like this should not happen to ppl like her.
I remember when my mom and I went to visit her this summer, she seemed fine...obviously she had to stay home most of the time, but she was laughing, making jokes, walking around. I will never forget how positive she was. She was telling us about her medication and how they messed up her hormones, so she was actually starting to grow a little mustache, but she was laughing about it, and make a joke about it. I was just astonished.
When my mom and I got up to leave, she asked if she could shake our hands. I thought it was a bit odd, but shook her hand anyway and was about to say goodbye, when she told us that she can feel our energy through her hands and it gives her strenghth. So aparently she shakes everyones hand that comes visit her.
I was just like wow, that is so cool, and it almost brough a tear to my eye.
She was so good with kids, and she always wanted to be a nursery school teacher, and I could SO picture her doing that. She had gotten her teaching license, and just got married, and was all ready to start working when she was diagnosed. Like...seriously...times like this, it really makes me wonder if everything happens for a reason - cause someone needs to give me a good reason for her passing away! I'm so upset I'm almost mad. I can't even begin to imagine what my cousin must be going through righ now.
But I guess she's in a better place now, not suffering, and sleeping on fluffy clouds.

I think of my little issues that I have, and compare it to my cousin and his family, and I'm just like wow, I am nothing, and that's when I decide to stop complaining.

R.I.P. Miki-san, you will always have a place in my heart. I will never forget our little piggy fetishes :)

so the last time I updated this thing was Aug 20, now it's Oct 22 - been exactly 2 months and things have changed A LOOOOT.

I'm just writing this for my own good so a couple yrs from now, I'll be able to look back at this and realize what a miracle this was and how much it was meant to be.
I AM MOVING BACK TO THE STATES!! and specifically joisey lol My firm is relocating me to the NY headquarters.
Things just happened so quickly, it actually hasn't really hit me yet (and I'm leaving in 5 days!). It's so surreal.

So how it all happened...my boss (the one that I worked as a PA for) relocated to Hong Kong in September. When I heard that, I of course got really sad because he was a great boss and person to work for. He and the team wanted me to stay as a team assistant and kind of go all hard core and get licensed and work closer to the team (rather than just doing admin work). It was really flattering for them to offer me this, but it just didn't interest me at all - that and just staying as a "team assistant" didn't really do it for me. So I actually looked inside of my company in the TK office to see if there were any PA/secretary jobs open, but there weren't - so I sucked it up and decided that I would just stay put, it was the safest bet, especially in these market conditions. My boss saw that I wasn't too thrilled with the idea of staying put, and he asked me what I really wanted to do, and if going overseas was anything I had in mind.
I actually jokingly said, "well, it would be really cool if I could go back to the US"...not thinking that it would actually be an option.
My boss give me this really serious look and goes, "if that's what you really want, I'll start talking to people"....
so I freak out and I'm like what? huh? are you friggin serious?
so one thing lead to the next, and it turned out that our NY counterpart team was in need of a new assistant since their assistant was going to quit by the end of Sept.
The NY big bosses (who never come to Asia, maybe like once a year or once in 2 yrs), just happened to be in the Tokyo office mid September, so they sat me down in a room and explained the situation and they basically offered me the job right then and there. I freak out, and then after they went back to NY, I started talking to NY HR, and I was happy with the pay that they were offering to give me, so I accepted!!
oh, and it was obviously good to me and their side that I was already a US citizen so they wouldn't have to go throught the VISA process.

Everything just went so smoothly...my old boss worked really hard for me to get shipping fees and transportation payed for by the firm. And he did all of this for me even when he was super busy with his own relocation to Hong Kong.
Apartment wise, I didn't have to pay any penalty fee even though I had a two year lease. My new place in Fort Lee, I was able to secure really easily since my dad's friend does real estate there and she hooked me up really well.

So ppl keep asking me what I'm going to do with the boy...nothing's gonna happen. We're going to try the long distance thing, and if we're really meant to be, it'll work out! I just want to believe in fate. And I don't want to let having a boyfriend keep me from going the places I want to go, and doing the things I want to do. Hence, I actually didn't think twice about this move. Going back to NJ/NY is something I've always wanted to do - it's home to me, and do miss it a lot. Although my life is based in Japan right now, hey, what's wrong with having two mother lands to go back to? Yeah, it sucks becuase I'll never be happy in one place because loved ones are all over the world for me now.
I've also always wanted to know what it would feel like to be an "adult" in the states. Since I moved to Japan when I was 18, I never knew what it felt like to actually have a job and spend my own earned money in the US. I know what that's like in Tokyo now, and I like it, but I think I want change.

This was definately meant to happen. I know it was. This is the first time in a very long time that I'm sure of something.

Good luck to myself!!

I can't wait to see all of my lovely joisey faces in less than a week. This feels SO strange, but right.
I am happy/nervous/sad/excited....just everything all at once right now.

I haven't been to the gym in about 2 months.
I am getting fat. I don't fit into a dress that I did a yr ago.

This means I am paying my gym a monthly fee TO GET FAT.

ugh, I need to get back into shape.

he's back in town, and originally came here on Tuesday night to come pick up the rest of his belongings.

I have no idea what's been going through his mind the past 2 days, but aparently he's made up his mind on staying in Tokyo for a while again.
and he doesn't sleep on the couch at night and crawls into my single sized bed w/me.

wtf lol

I'm so happy that he's back and all giddy n shit, but the other half of me is like, don't do this Makiko - you know how he made you feel for the past 3 months and you said you wanted out!


fejiaofeawkdwlqhklkes;fejaw...

one of my favorite George Carlin passages:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesnít cost a cent. Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.